Walking down the street on a sidewalk with old trees covering most of the night sky above me. A chilly January night in California, going to study a book in which I have found a new way to live my life. A guide to treating a malady which caused me to live a life of pain and suffering for years.

Many of the writers and bands I draw inspiration from speak of faith as a weakness and avoidance of one’s fear and uncertainty about navigating this life. I understand their perspective, empathize and identify with it to an extent. I have been there, with that same set of values and beliefs. However, a younger me turned to alcohol and drugs to alleviate distress caused by fear and anger. This was my faith.

3 days later I sit outside of my English 110 class, with slight anticipation and anxiety.

Knowing I will probably be the oldest in my class and praying that my instructor is not one for group work. Rain has returned to the coastal community of Santa Barbara with the threat of mudslides and debris flow in the recent wildfire burn areas. Fire and rain has caused devastation, tragedy and death for Santa Barbara and Ventura Counties in the past year. Today, I bought an umbrella for the first time ever.

Watching all of the students walking by I worry about what people think of me, fear of judgement and nervousness about walking into class sets in as it nears 9:35.  The awkward first day of class where I don’t know anybody, and the possibility of interaction with peers forced by the instructor. Hopefully there will be one or two people I can connect with, in these general ed classes there usually isn’t.  Preparation for the unrelatable conversations about cannabis, xanax, partying and alcohol. Two familiar faces stopped to say hi to me, that was nice.

The worst thing I could’ve seen on the board sitting down in that class was “groups of 3 or 4, icebreakers”. Fortunately, there was a kid sitting next to me who was also wearing dickies. He was a culinary student from Oakland, he shared with me about living in Isla Vista and the parties. I shared with him about my job and how I don’t drink or smoke weed. My professor is cool, she is from south africa and caught my attention quickly with the deliverance of all of her announcements and information.

Last night I had class from 6-9pm taught by Samantha Matern, this is the second class I have had with her. She is an inspiration to me and has changed the way I approach being a counselor and really how I perceive life and the world around me. She is awesome, thank you Sam.

I woke up with a splitting headache today and proceeded to take a cold shower for the second day in a row, not by choice. Its still raining and I haven’t been able to ride my bike since last week. Walking to class listening to the self titled Miles Away album, appropriate for a rainy day. I’m ready for summer and baseball season ..