Another year down, another year free from active addiction, this marks my 4th New Year’s Eve sober. I spent the evening at a friend’s house playing Balderdash and eating cornbread and chili, and as I was driving home I traveled back through all of my New Years experiences over the years.
It’s been 10 years since I transitioned from 2008-2009 on a high dose of powerful blue dolphin ecstasy pills, MDMA provided by a friend of mine who is no longer alive. RIP RAMBO, that was a great New Years Eve. Funny fact, the house we partied at that night was my friends girlfriend’s house, she is now engaged to Ryan Seacrest. She partook in the blue dolphins that night, as did most of our group of friends. Ecstasy is a weird drug, I never cared for it too much.
I recently ordered the Society Verse book written by the vocalist of my favorite band Ceremony, Ross Farrar. It is a wonderful collection of poetry, writing, pictures and storytelling. I draw so much of my inspiration from the exact kind of uniqueness and creativity presented in that book. The name of this site and my radio show “Your Life In America” come from a Ceremony song off their album The L-Shaped Man. I feel that it is an all encompassing name that gives me the freedom to talk and write about anything, while also paying homage to the band/writer that I draw so much inspiration from. I find myself wondering if anything I write is original, or is it just a collection of me biting the style of others and changing around the wordplay.
I can’t answer yes to that because everything I write is truth about my thoughts and feelings. I draw from other writers and artists because I can relate to the description of their thoughts and feelings, and if something has that kind of effect on me I want to share it. Everybody is inspired by somebody or something, and those gifted in creativity and language can morph those inspirations and influence into a beautiful piece of writing. That is what I strive to do when using a song or lyric as a starting point, along with honoring and respecting that person’s ability to write something I can relate to so much it has an overwhelming effect on me.
It’s 11:58 PM now and I am sitting in my room writing this on my laptop with the New Years countdown from Time Square in the background, 5 4 3 2 1… some fireworks from the neighbors and there it is. I can truly say in this moment I am very content with where my life is at, a roof over my head, warmth and a purpose. A reason to wake up tomorrow morning and step foot in the world, the wicked world, it provides. I have spent so many years trying to find something, the answer, the truth, a fucking seedling of inner peace and acceptance. I think now I realize the answers come in the searching, if I only can slow down, stop “doing” so much and just sit with myself, then I begin to navigate the root of my troubles. Somebody once told me, “if you never look within, you’ll always be without”. It’s hard to look within when you hate yourself, drugs help with that.
The fireworks in the neighborhood continue, crackling and the laughs and yelling of nearby party people. It’s cold tonight, well, cold for California, around 50 degrees. I’ve spent many nights like this outside, too hungry and cold to fall asleep, longing for a better life. I am alone tonight, and I am okay with that. A prayer for all those suffering tonight, and those who will suffer for the entire next year, i’m sorry. Here’s to the heartbroken and lonely, “keep your head up, keep the faith and pray for better dayz..”
fear the thoughts you can’t let go, find peace with all of you, the good and the bad..